Interacting with People

People. They are so strange at times. I don't understand us at all. At one moment we will be angry, upset or depressed and then later completely happy and jovial. We all judge each other, yet we don't like to be judged ourselves. I don't know why or how this system was set up, but we really do judge people way too harshly.

I write about this not because I don't judge others, but because I want to stop judging others. I don't enjoy looking down on someone for something they said or did. I know many girls and guys who seem to take entertainment in letting everyone know who did what and how that person should be and all of this gossipy nonsense. As entertaining as it might be to hear a juicy story, gossip transcends the barrier of a person's internal thoughts and ideas. It questions a person's judgments and actions without knowledge of the reasons behind the actions. No one can know what someone else is thinking, unless they're Edward Cullen, so no one can know what is in a person's heart. I believe in second chances. If a person does something wrong from my perspective, I won't keep that action as a permanent reminder of what kind of a person that person is. I think if someone decides to learn from a mistake then who am I to discourage them. 

There are some people who I do put a non-permanent label on for my own safety, especially now that I am entering into my dating years. For instance, I know who most of the "players" at my school are and will be very careful not to do anything more than be kind to them until they have proven to not be the type to kiss-and-run. I also put a fluid label on boys my age in general. To be honest, most of them are bozos. From what I've observed, guys my age just want to get a kiss and have a girlfriend to show off. Those guys usually are not looking to their future careers and making a huge effort in their education. There are also the guys who do not have girlfriends, but are open to having one if there is a girl willing, with that same mind set. There are some guys, however, who have proven me wrong and give me hope that not all guys are bozos. Those guys are the ones who are kind and respectful to girls, not afraid to be just their friend without the boyfriend-girlfriend drama and have their mind on the gospel and their education. The guys who are involved in their community and/or school and don't sit around wondering what the next momentary pleasure will be are the ones I want to date as I turn 16. The ones who I can talk to without feeling pressured into a more-than-friends relationship.

This is why I have decided not to have a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship in high school.

My friends often point out the romantic side of having a boyfriend and doing all sorts of cute things in preparation for the day when you will meet the one and only. I do often fantasize about the time when I will meet the guy I will marry, but until then I don't want to spend all my time just thinking about him. I figure when the time is right he'll be ready for me and I'll be ready for him. Sometimes I wonder if I have already met the guy I will marry and by not having a boyfriend I may be delaying all the romantic moments we could have. I am starting to realize that the ideal romantic stuff won't happen in high school. The super romantic stuff is supposed to be for a time when I am more mature and can handle it. Right now I need to focus on my goals and preparing myself for my future. I need to focus on school and gaining skills that will benefit me for the rest of my life. Having a boyfriend will distract me from these goals and may even deter me on my pathway to my happily ever after. It's not that I don't think guys aren't fun to be around and that guys aren't cute or anything; I just think my Mr. right can and will wait for me if he is my Mr. right. 

For now I hope I can meet many guys and become friends with them. I also hope that I will also be able to meet many more guys that are not bozos. I may have high requirements for the guys I want to get to know, but  I think in the long run it will help me and them more that I realize right now. For now I will continue to follow the For the Strength of Youth booklet and listen to the guidance prophets give to me as I prepare myself to change the world by small and simple means.

Finding Shalom

 Translated from Hebrew to English, the word shalom means peace: a cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension. Peace is where the mind can rest separately from the chaos and turmoil from the world. But can we, as teenagers, truly find peace of mind in this modern day?

Our generation has been bombarded with scientific facts, new technology, politics, wars, rumors of wars, debts and all other sorts of problems developed from society. People are constantly shifting and changing the world around us without our consent. We will inherit the world eventually, but for now we face the consequences of our parent's decisions.

In the book A Separate Peace, John Knowles writes about two fictional teenage boys living during the time of World War II. As classmates disappear into the war crisis either by enlisting or drafting, Phineas and Gene's bond of friendship is strengthened. Though the world falls down around them, they find separate peace in sports and hosting a Winter Festival.

The novel clearly demonstrates that two teenage boys during times of war, constantly threatened by the idea of being sent off to the war front, could still find peace and solace in sports activities and hosting social events for their fellow classmates.

Today we live in times very different from the era of World War II. Now there are not many wars that effect us drastically in the United States, because we send our troops to be policemen instead of warriors in battle. We learn that we can find shalom in any situation from the example of Gene and Phineas; who could find peace while the threat of being bombed hung over their heads.

The example of Phineas and Gene is flawed, however, because we can find peace much more easily than they could; partly due to the fact that our lives are much more luxurious then a person in the mid-1900's. Today we have iPods, iPads, internet, facebook, television, news channels and other media devices that are constantly entertaining us. Things like books and movies allow us to escape into a different world for a while, leaving the worries of Earth behind; just as Phineas and Gene were able to do through sports and social events.

Escaping the world through media is not the only solution. There are multiple places we can find shalom. I find peace the most while I am hiking without any media devices. The feeling of being able to unplug, overcome the frivolous things in life and get higher and farther above the messed up contortion I have of my own reality gives me a sense of peace that I can't find in a book or movie. Once I reach the top of the mountain, I reach my goal and I gain a sense of independence and confidence in myself. I know if I've climbed a mountain, I can do anything I set my mind to. Having confidence in myself gives me shalom. Unfortunately, the world takes that confidence away from me.

As if it wasn't enough to just change our environment and circumstances, society has now infiltrated our minds and told us what determines a teenager's self worth. We are often told that we are not smart enough, not popular enough, not skinny enough, not muscular enough and that we will never achieve the perfect self-image. Escaping to a secret place no longer allows us to completely separate ourselves from the world. Even in the confines of my room I feel self-conscious and that I cannot accept myself because society has told me I am not good enough to find shalom.

The biggest lie we can ever be told is that we are not good enough to find peace. In A Separate Peace, Gene describes Phineas “...[with his broken leg,] recaptur[ing] that magic gift for existing primarily in space, one foot conceding briefly to gravity its right before spinning him off again into the air. It was his wildest demonstration of himself, of himself in the world he loved; it was his choreography of peace.” Even with a broken leg Phineas was able to dance to find his own peace. We do not need to wait to earn the privilege of peace until society tells us we are good enough. We can gain peace by having confidence in ourselves and knowing we may not be society's perfect image, but we can still learn and progress despite our weaknesses. Finding shalom pushes us to become better. Gene relates after winning a sports competition, “It wasn't the cider that made me surpass myself, it was this liberation we had torn from the gray encroachments of 1943, the escape we had concocted, this afternoon of momentary, illusory, special and separate peace.” Feeling peaceful does not mean we have to be completely passive in our lives. We can still learn and grow while at peace.

Despite the insanity of the world, a teenager can find shalom, no matter what or where they are. Whether in a big city, farming town or the suburbs, a person can always find peace. The environment that encompasses us does not determine our ability to find shalom.

I Rock at English!!!

Well... at least when it comes to opinion editorial papers. :)  A few weeks ago my teacher assigned us to write a opinion editorial based on a theme in the novel A Separate Peace. It was completely liberating to be able to write using I and we in an essay- like paper. I absentmindedly got the assignment done, thinking it wasn't going to get a good grade because I had not asked peers to review my final draft. To my utter surprise, when my teacher passed back the assignment, I got 100% and a note at the top asking if my teacher could use my paper as an example in future classes. I was ecstatic! In the public educational system, the highest degree of achievement one can receive in a class, at least for me anyway, is to do such a good job on an assignment that the teacher uses it as an example.
This has been the highlight of this years English class for me!  Copy of my editorial paper will be in my next post.

Sky High Stress

Fourth term is already here and my life is in the fast lane. Already complications are arising not only in school, but into summer.  Volleyball is stressing me out because my coaches are set on the idea that the off-season work is what led our team to take state last year. They may be right, but it puts a lot of stress on me when I will not be able to go to any of the camps or open gyms in June and parts of July. The day after school gets out my mom is packing us up and taking me and my three younger brothers on a road trip to the East Coast. I'm looking forward to visiting family and seeing fun places, but three weeks in a confined vehicle with three little brothers is a bit daunting. Two days after we get back from that trip I have Youth conference, and then the following week I have a Dixie State Volleyball camp.  The week after Dixie I can either go to Lake Powell with my family or stay here in Provo by myself and attend the UVU Volleyball camp. Oh yeah, and somewhere after the East Coast trip I'm going to have to go to the DMV to get my license. (I am sooooo excited to get it!!!)  Plus I will most likely have summer homework for AP Bio, AP English and/or AP US History.  I am worried I won't be able to relax at home until mid-July. Backing up a bit, right now fourth term is coming into full swing. My ward conference is next week and General Conference is the following weekend. The week after General Conference we are going to Mexico on a cruise for spring break!!! I am super excited to go on a boat and leave Provo behind for a week!  After that, however, will be when all the teachers are going to cram last minute information in our brains to prepare us for the end of year tests at the beginning of May. Right now I officially loathe school because the AP World History Test is taking place on the morning of my 16th birthday.  It's the academic world's way of saying: "Way to live 16 years, now here's a test for ya! Enjoy your sweet 16!" >:(  -Angry emoticon. I am super stressed out for the test and it's two months away. I may have to take my text book on the cruise to study, which is just about kills my dreams of relaxing during spring break.At this immediate moment I am looking forward to seeing the Hunger Games this Thursday and attending my volleyball tournament on Saturday. I hope the tournament does not go for long so that I can go to the General Young Women's broadcast at my stake center.  I can always look up the talks later, but it's not quite the same.
On August 3rd we are welcoming a foreign exchange student into our home from Spain. His name is Diego and he is a year younger than me. He will be going to Timpview with me next year and I hope we can provide a good experience for him while he is in America.  I am looking forward to having a fourth little brother in the house.  I just hope this one isn't quite as loud or annoying. It will be fun learning to speak Spanish and have someone I can practice it with that isn't always at work or cooking.
For now my stress is sky high as the world around me presses in, testing my knowledge, brain capacity and self-discipline. Hopefully I can survive the next 6 months or so and still find time to enjoy myself.

Something Much More

Sadness, depression,
those things come along.
Money broke, heart stroke:
It's the same sad song.

But think of those things
that make you warm inside.
It's those things that
make you want to try.

Keep living your life
and just get along.
Then you will realize
it doesn't have to be a sad song.

The rain's pounding down
but just listen to the sound.
I may be stuck right now,
but I'll get free some how.

Why should I try
when I'm not any good?
But I know the answer:
It's because I just should.

I can't do this, and I can't do that;
see, I'm no better than a rat.

Why should I try to be any good?
And the answer comes:
because you could.

I could what, be a star?
No, I could be some good.

If it's small, just a bit,
then it's better than before;
that good will add
to something much more.

~Maddy Carr~

Separate Peace

A separate peace

is where you'll find

a place of rest

for your state of mind.

On a bench, near a tree,

as children run past;

you lift your face to the sun

and have found peace at last.

In a silent corner,

no one can tell you what to do,

you curl up with a book

and adventures will ensue.

Rocking back and forth under

that yellow, hot ball;

gliding through the waves,

watching the sails stand tall.

Rising above the chaos,

it's quite the climb,

zig-zagging up a mountain

gives me peace of mind.

Through the chaos and the turmoil,

drama and all that strife,

I know I can sleep well:

I've found separate peace in my life.

~Maddy Carr~

Live in the Moment, Think Eternally.

Lately I have been thinking too far ahead.  Learning about eternity and the vastness of the plan of salvation is incredibly tolling on a weak mind like mine. There are so many little details that I do not comprehend. The different concepts and events that will take place at the second coming has been fun to learn but stressing on my less-than-capable mind.  Before talking to my friend Chelsea a few weeks ago, all I could do was plan. Plan, plan and plan on planning.  Everything has to be scheduled just right in order for me to get an A in a class, get my YW medallion, hang out with my friends, have family time and have some me time. In order for this to happen, I was constantly thinking about what was next.  While watching a movie I would be thinking about how long it would take me to get home from the theater and what I could do to shorten that time and what homework I could get done afterward, in order to utilize my time advantageously. Unfortunately, I forgot half of the  movie and couldn't remember if I got popcorn or not right after I left the theater. My planning had gotten to the point that I could not live life and enjoy myself.  My friend Chelsea graciously listened to my problem and told me that what I need to do is to live in the moment.  I need to enjoy right now, not just plan on enjoying something later in a designated block of time.
After talking with Chelsea I have been getting much better at being able to enjoy myself in what is going on around me, and not just fretting about the future. I am still fretting a lot, but I can remember the movies I watch. Thank you Chelsea!
Later, after this whole live in the moment epiphany, I was talking with my friends Jeremy and Ashlyn.  We were talking about the future, second coming, millenium stuff.  As our conversation came to a close, I told them that we have to not just think about the future, but enjoy what we have right now.  Jeremy then replied that we can't just live in the moment though; we have to think eternally as well so we don't make huge mistakes.
This idea of living in the moment verses planning ahead is extremely hard to find a solution to. I like the movie Serendipity, in which a guy meets a girl and the girl relies on fate to bring them back together.  A few years after they meet they are both engaged and end up breaking off their engagements to find each other at the same time.  Through fate and luck they find true love and live happily ever after. I like the idea that their is a bigger picture that I can't see, a bigger plan that my little mistakes or decisions won't effect. I can just live in the moment and know that everything will be ok.  I don't know everything about the big plan, and that's ok. I don't need to know, I just have to trust Him to guide me to where I need to go.  At the same time, I need to take an active stance in creating myself. I need to plan to get my homework done and to get my YW medallion; I don't need to plan out what my college major will be or what my wedding will be like or what's going to happen during the millenium. That's too far ahead, and I don't have to think about it yet; so I won't fret about it.
I thank both Chelsea and Jeremy for helping me realize that there is a balance between living in the moment and thinking eternally. I know that I need to keep my perspective on eternity and make right decisions to get me where I want to be, but I also know that I need to trust Him and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully I can attain this balance in thinking and living.

What is a friend?

What is a friend?  Is it someone you share experiences with? Is it someone you have shared experiences with?  Is it someone who knows the things you know? Is it someone you enjoy being around? Is it someone you can tell anything and everything to?  Is it someone who is friends with your friends?  Is it someone who makes you laugh and, in turn, you make them laugh? Is it someone who laughs at the same jokes? Is it someone who won't think less of you no matter what? Is it someone you could go anywhere with and have a fun time? Is it someone your age? or can they be any age? Does a friend think the same way you do?
These questions puzzle me, because if a friend is all of those things then I have yet to find a true friend.  Maybe the true friend lies within a Utopian society.  We can imagine a true friend, but we will never find one.
Yes, I have many great friends, girls and guys, all of them wonderfully fun and awesome in their own way; but I don't think they are my true friends every now and then.  It isn't that they are mean, it's just some small things that they do that a true friend wouldn't do. One example is when all I do is listen to them. I may be someone's best friend, because they tell me everything, but if they don't listen to me in turn I find they are not my best friend.  It sounds selfish, but that's just how it is. I will listen and care about your needs and wants, but you have to return the favor and listen to my woes to be my true friend. I always seem to be listening to others, being their for them through their drama despite the fact that they aren't always there for me. I don't know when or where to look for true friends, because my school is so full of cliques.
Cliques.  The downfall of High School social life.  At my school, everyone's been friends with the same people since Middle School.  They've all grown up in the same neighborhood, the same ward and the same friend group.  I don't blame them for wanting to stay in their comfort zone, but would it kill someone to hang out with the new girl for once? Or even just reach out to the person who has been in 5 of your classes since the seventh grade?  I know I am an offender of this clique business, but my goal is to try to break free of it.  I am shy and it's hard. I don't know how to keep a conversation up with people I don't know after my initial ice-breaker comments. I am challenging myself to be friendly to everyone and not hang out with the same 3 people every weekend.  If any of my fellow classmates read this blog, please try to do the same. It will be a lot easier if more of us break free of our little penguin circles in the commons area and get to know different people.
To my true-er friends:  I think you guys are amazing and super fun at times and this blog is in no way written to dis on you or our friendship. I am just trying to figure things out, so don't be offended. Love you guys!

My Long Awaited Winter Wonderland

There's that moment. That feeling. When your heart skips a beat and your thoughts start to run. You feel happy, loving and caring. This is what I call a heart flutter. Often times it happens when I see something beautiful, something that makes me overjoyed or when I see my crush at school. Today my heart fluttered when I saw the snow. Ideally I would've been reading my book next to the fire place when the first flakes began to drift, but being inside the mall, shopping with my friend was a pleasant scene to. Hopefully this snow will stick around for a little while, allowing me this season's winter wonderland, and then melt into spring after a month or so. I'd rather not have it snow after my birthday in May, but with this delay of winter I'm thinking it will probably be a repeat of last year's snow storm in June. For now Happy Valley sits with an inch-or-so-deep blanket of snow on top of it. I look out the window and my love for winter begins to warm me inside.

May Spring come another day 

and for now please, Winter,

                                             stay.

We Got a Tortoise! ... and the Flu

Bubba Tuck, basking under the heat lamp,
sitting on top of his food.

With parents in Hawaii without us, we are enjoying our new pet tortoise and a flu bug.  For Christmas, instead of iPods or other fancy works of technology my little bro Chance asked for a turtle. He researched turtles for sale on ksl.com and found our very own Russian Tortoise!  After many heated debates, we came up with the name Tuck Bubbles Carr- I call him Bubba Tuck. (My vote was for Cobra Bubbles, Jon's was Tuck Furgeson and Chance came up with Tuck Bubbles) Soon after we had this wonderful reptilian addition to our house, we found out that tortoises and turtles can carry disease on their shells without being affected by it. We think Chance and Javi could have contracted the flu from holding Tuck and not washing their hands afterward. However, Chance insists that they could have gotten it from anywhere and we CANNOT blame the tortoise for illness. That was last week, but now we have two awesome Grandparent babysitters watching us; one of which has been down with a similar looking flu bug. I only hope that the rest of us can hold out without getting sick, at least until we're well into the new school term.

High School

High School. The gemstone of adolescence. It's all about the cliques, what Susan did with Bob and vainly trying to "find yourself".  I don't think the phrase "finding yourself" is accurate. You don't merely look through your closet and stumble upon an epiphany of who you are; you develop yourself. You are not playing a game of hide and seek with your soul; you develop your talents, discover what you enjoy and live life. One of the false notions I've always held was that I am subject to my circumstance. I am a Cinderella without her fairy godmother, waiting for Prince Charming. I'm starting to realize that there isn't going to be an epic moment where I'll find out who I am and what I'm destined to be. There isn't going to be a bippity-bopity-boo and "poof" I'm a princess. But that's the beauty of it. I decide. I don't rely on others to tell me what to do, what to be. I don't have to watch as life moves past me, idly standing by. I am the master of my own fate, NOT the stars. I don't just play the game, I create the game. True, there are other players, but I call the shots, not them. So I will not "find myself", because if I do it means that either someone else molded me into what they wanted or that I missed out on the uncertain, hopeful and excitingly suspenseful times of "creating myself". And so I walk through the High School halls, still thinking about cliques and what Susan did with Bob; but no longer am I searching. I am creating.

End of Semester... FINALLY!

After a brutal first five months of my sophomore year I am now officially half way done!  As much as I love social drama, devil teachers, obese PE instructors and only 5 hours of sleep a night, I am tired of school. Hopefully this 3-day weekend will provide some much needed me-time. My mind is fried to a crisp. All I can think about is the transoceanic slave trade, the pervnert chemistry formula (PV=nRT) and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.  I no longer control my own thoughts; my teachers do! As I continue through the school year, I hope that my classes will become more enjoyable and my brain will be able to cope with all the thoughts running through my head.

I Believe

Everyone believes in something. Religion is a label put on something a group of people believe in, but it is not the only method of belief. You can believe that one day you'll find love. You can believe that life is a wonderful string of opportunities or you can believe your life is horrible. You can believe that tomorrow the sun will rise and a new day will begin. You can even believe that you don't believe in anything. I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ, who atoned for my sins. I believe that I have a Heavenly Father and that he looks out for his daughter and loves me very much. I believe that I am a part of a plan of salvation; a plan that will bring all those who so desire back into the presence of our Father in Heaven. I believe I'm here on this earth to be tested and tried so that I will have the confidence to live eternally with my family and Heavenly Father. I am so grateful I have this knowledge of these truths. The undying joy I have every time I realize that the full gospel of Jesus Christ is here on the earth and the fact that I am blessed to know it makes me want to share it with every person I see. I wish that everyone would choose to feel the unconditional love that I feel from our Father in Heaven. I love my Savior and the sacrifice He made for me in the Garden of Gethsemane and am forever indebted to Him. I thank my family for raising me with this knowledge and I only desire to share this truth to my future children and anyone else who will hear this great message. James 1:5- If any of you lack wisdom,let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. If you don't know of the truth I know, this website is a good place to start: lds.org

Something New

I am constantly thinking, analyzing and observing. I'm pretty sure my friends and family don't follow my train of thought as fast as I think it. I've heard of blogging and have read a few blogs, but I've never been inclined to blog myself. Lately, I've been looking for new things to try and fun things to take my mind off of school and all the drama that comes from my peers. It's a new year and I've made some new resolutions; one of which is to try something I haven't done before. So here it is, something new.